What is that golden orb in the sky??

America is advanced citizenship. You gotta want it bad, ’cause it’s gonna put up a fight. It’s gonna say “You want free speech? Let’s see you acknowledge a man whose words make your blood boil, who’s standing center stage and advocating at the top of his lungs that which you would spend a lifetime opposing at the top of yours. You want to claim this land as the land of the free? Then the symbol of your country can’t just be a flag; the symbol also has to be one of its citizens exercising his right to burn that flag in protest. Show me that, defend that, celebrate that in your classrooms. Then, you can stand up and sing about the “land of the free”.

Just discovered holy basil yum

HOPE THIS MAKES YOU SMILE

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD…
Well, it’s shit… That’s right, shit!

Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
And tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can’t tell the difference
between shit and shinola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits.
There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit,
shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,

And some days are just plain shitty..

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER
December 8 – 6:00 PM
It started to snow.  The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.  It looked like a Grandma Moses Print.  So romantic we felt like newlyweds again.  I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape.  What a fantastic sight!  Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world?  Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had!  Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again.  I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.  This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.  What a perfect life!

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow…  Such a disappointment!  My neighbor tells me not to worry- we’ll definitely have a white Christmas.  No snow on Christmas would be awful!  Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again.  I don’t think that’s possible.  Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14
Snow, lovely snow!  8 inches last night.  The temperature dropped to -20.  The cold makes everything sparkle so.  The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks.  This is the life!  The snow plow came back this afternoon and buried everything again..  I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way.  I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.

December 15
20 inches forecast.  Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer.  Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels.  Stocked the freezer.  The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.  I think that’s silly.  We aren’t in Alaska , after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning.  Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt.  Hurt like hell.  The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing.  Roads are too icy to go anywhere.  Electricity was off for 5 hours.  I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.  Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.  Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her.  God I hate it when she’s right.  I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20
Electricity’s back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night.  More shoveling!  Took all day.  The damn snow plow came by twice.  Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey.  I think they’re lying.  Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower but they’re out.  Might have another shipment in March.  I think they’re lying.  Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me.  I think he’s lying.
December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it’s so cold, it probably won’t melt til August.  Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee.  By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel.  Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he’s too busy.  I think the ass hole is lying.

December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today.  And it warmed up to 0.  The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.  What is she, nuts?!!  Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago?  She says she did but I think she’s lying.

December 24
6 inches – Snow packed so hard by snow plow, I broke the shovel.  Thought I was having a heart attack.  If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel.  I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just cleaned!  Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snow plow.

December 25
Merry frickin’ Christmas!  20 more inches of the damn slop today – Snowed in.  The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil..  God, I hate the snow!  Then the snow plow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.  The wife says I have a bad attitude.  I think she’s a fricking idiot.  If I have to watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in.  Why the hell did I ever move here?  It was all HER idea.  She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he charged me only $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20.  Still snowed in.  The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches.  Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.  That’s the silliest thing I ever heard.  How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in.  I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass.  The wife went home to her mother.  Nine more inches predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what’s left of the house.  No more shoveling.

January 8
Feeling so good.  I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.  Why am I tied to the bed?

Here is a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing — imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

8 – 15 lb. turkey

1 cup melted butter

1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good.)

1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER’S LOW FAT) Salt/pepper to
taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.

Listen for the popping sounds. When the turkey’s ass blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room, it’s done.

If at first you do succeed  – try not to act astonished

I like deadlines – I like the sound they make as they go wooshing by…

If at first you do succeed – try to hide your astonishment!

President Andrew Shepherd: For the last couple of months, Senator Rumson has suggested that being president of this country was, to a certain extent, about character, and although I have not been willing to engage in his attacks on me, I’ve been here three years and three days, and I can tell you without hesitation: Being President of this country is entirely about character. For the record: yes, I am a card-carrying member of the ACLU. But the more important question is why aren’t you, Bob? Now, this is an organization whose sole purpose is to defend the Bill of Rights, so it naturally begs the question: Why would a senator, his party’s most powerful spokesman and a candidate for President, choose to reject upholding the Constitution? If you can answer that question, folks, then you’re smarter than I am, because I didn’t understand it until a few hours ago. America isn’t easy. America is advanced citizenship. You gotta want it bad, ’cause it’s gonna put up a fight. It’s gonna say “You want free speech? Let’s see you acknowledge a man whose words make your blood boil, who’s standing center stage and advocating at the top of his lungs that which you would spend a lifetime opposing at the top of yours. You want to claim this land as the land of the free? Then the symbol of your country can’t just be a flag; the symbol also has to be one of its citizens exercising his right to burn that flag in protest. Show me that, defend that, celebrate that in your classrooms. Then, you can stand up and sing about the “land of the free”. I’ve known Bob Rumson for years, and I’ve been operating under the assumption that the reason Bob devotes so much time and energy to shouting at the rain was that he simply didn’t get it. Well, I was wrong. Bob’s problem isn’t that he doesn’t get it. Bob’s problem is that he can’t sell it! We have serious problems to solve, and we need serious people to solve them. And whatever your particular problem is, I promise you, Bob Rumson is not the least bit interested in solving it. He is interested in two things and two things only: making you afraid of it and telling you who’s to blame for it. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how you win elections. You gather a group of middle-aged, middle-class, middle-income voters who remember with longing an easier time, and you talk to them about family and American values and character. And wave an old photo of the President’s girlfriend and you scream about patriotism and you tell them, she’s to blame for their lot in life, and you go on television and you call her a whore. Sydney Ellen Wade has done nothing to you, Bob. She has done nothing but put herself through school, represent the interests of public school teachers, and lobby for the safety of our natural resources. You want a character debate, Bob? You better stick with me, ’cause Sydney Ellen Wade is way out of your league.
[pauses]
President Andrew Shepherd: I’ve loved two women in my life. I lost one to cancer, and I lost the other ’cause I was so busy keeping my job I forgot to do my job. Well, that ends right now. Tomorrow morning, the White House is sending a bill to Congress for its consideration. It’s White House Resolution 455, an energy bill requiring a 20 percent reduction of the emission of fossil fuels over the next ten years. It is by far the most aggressive stride ever taken in the fight to reverse the effects of global warming. The other piece of legislation is the crime bill. As of today, it no longer exists. I’m throwing it out. I’m throwing it out writing a law that makes sense. You cannot address crime prevention without getting rid of assault weapons and handguns. I consider them a threat to national security, and I will go door to door if I have to, but I’m gonna convince Americans that I’m right, and I’m gonna get the guns. We’ve got serious problems, and we need serious people, and if you want to talk about character, Bob, you’d better come at me with more than a burning flag and a membership card. If you want to talk about character and American values, fine. Just tell me where and when, and I’ll show up. This is a time for serious people, Bob, and your fifteen minutes are up. My name is Andrew Shepherd, and I *am* the President.